You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
