I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
