New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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