i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
