he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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