remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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