Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
