Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
