when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
