I accidentally had phone sex last night
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
