The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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