In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
