The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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