I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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