I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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