Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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