I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
