maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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