I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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