my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
