he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
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it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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