How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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