maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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