Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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