when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
