I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
