I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
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How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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