I bet he comes in French.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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