oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
