I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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