I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
