Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
