Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
