Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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