someone threw a dead crab at me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
