If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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