remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
pop tarts are not kleenex
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
