Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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