If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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