well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
