just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
