is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It's Friday. Sex?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.