Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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