I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
