i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize