I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
