Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
