You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
