My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
