Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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