Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
