if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
