You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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