My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
