I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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