I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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