I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize