Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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