He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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