I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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